The movie opens with Sasha Grey on the bathroom floor, sobbing and masturbating. She is left-handed. Why does she choose to lose moisture from both halves of her body at the same time? She’s Broken.

I wasn’t able to do any press for it. By the time the issue came out … I was married and pregnant. (But) my husband and I did a (sex) video four years ago, when we first met, and I know he’s got a copy of it! I always think if he gets really mad at me or wants a divorce, he’ll put it on the Internet. If that does happen, I’ll say, ‘Thank you!’”

Sometimes, with all the strife and suffering in the world, I wonder if I’m really doing my part. That makes me sad, so then I masturbate while thinking about Dedee Pfeiffer having hardcore sex. I’m usually pretty sleepy after that, so I take a nap, where I sleep the sleep of the pure of heart and my troubles melt away. My conclusion is that a hardcore sex tape with Dedee Pfeiffer would solve every problem the world has. Or at least make them drowsy enough not to care.

I know you guys are dying to know the latest gossip about Spencer Pratt from MTV’s The Hills. Really what’s not to love about the guy–there’s his . . . uhhh, he’s . . . who can forget about his . . . just a minute, something should come to me . . . damn, nothing. Moving along, a source told the National Enquirer’s Mike Walker that Spencer has been quietly shopping a sex tape featuring him and a few friends:

Spencer’s actually got a sex tape of his own that shows him and a few buddies exploring the, er . . . hills and valleys of some smokin’ hot Brazilian babes! (Note to Spencer’s fiancee, Heidi Monta: The alleged Samba Land group grope was lensed way before you two became betrothed, but know this: My source says Spencer showed the tape to a Hollywood video editor and repeatedly asked him to spruce it up – saying he might secretly release it into the marketplace while claiming it was “stolen,” al la Paris Hilton, Pam Anderson, etc. (Source)

Releasing a “stolen” sex tape is soooo last year. If this guy really wants to generate some publicity for himself, he should abuse some children (e.g. Britney Spears) or get himself thrown in jail (e.g. Paris, Nicole, Mel, L’il Kim, Michelle Rodriguez, et al.). That way he can come out of prison with some street cred . . . and with those lips, probably lock jaw. Besides, for someone who wants so much attention I get the feeling he’d be VERY popular in jail–and by “he” I mean his butt.